should know better
by lilfruitloop
Summary: vlad reflects on how things are falling apart


Vlad can feel Danny slipping through his fingers and he doesn't know what to do about it. Their fights aren't bloody anymore; they're violent only with words now, and it's the only time they communicate anything real. The rest of their words are frigidly polite and Vlad hates it.

He knows he's ridiculous, he rationalizes that he's allowed to be a little ridiculous, and he feels embarrassed about it anyway. He's a grown man and he should know better.

He should know better than to get his hopes up. Vlad's life has been an exercise in disappointment, and he knows he was foolish to hope for anything different, but in the face of boyish enthusiasm he'd let his guard down and bought into the prospect of "maybe." Now he's paying for it.

Danny is visiting for dinner. It's a habit they haven't been able to break yet. When they began their dalliance it was a treat to have him visit at all, but now the night is long and full of pained silences. Vlad watches Danny eat and remembers feeding him and touching him and caring for him, and he doesn't eat a thing because his stomach is full, gnawing on his insatiable desire to close this distance between them. If willpower could fix the rift between them, they wouldn't be eating; they'd be upstairs and pressed together and they'd never leave the house again.

But Danny doesn't even look up from his plate as he dutifully eats every morsel Vlad has prepared for him. He finishes and pushes his plate away and he sighs. Vlad pushes his plate away too, as soon as Danny does. "Was it enough?" he asks.

"Sure," Danny says vaguely. Vlad can just barely glimpse his blue eyes as the boy looks anywhere but at him. "It was fine."

Vlad makes himself smile but it's really only a grimace. He reaches over for Danny's plate but Danny put a hand on his arm and pushes it back. "I'll do the dishes tonight."

It's Vlad's turn; that's the system. Vlad is sure that if this changes, everything else will change too-he feels the certainty in his bones. He seizes desperately on the chance to be close to Danny for just a while longer. "You wash and I'll dry." Danny hesitates before nodding, and Vlad follows him into the kitchen. They don't really need to do the dishes, they never have needed to, but Danny always insisted and soon enough it became one of their habits.

The kitchen is large but it feels cramped. Even though Vlad is standing next to Danny, he can feel the force of distance pressing on him claustrophobically. He towels off their forks and wonders when Danny got so tall. When did he start growing so much? When did he start growing away?

Danny passes him a plate and Vlad wants to throw it on the floor, craving the catharsis of senseless destruction. But he's a grown man. He's the adult and he should know better. He sets his expression in stone and dries the plate and sets it on the counter and hates every minute of silence.

"Do you want to?" Vlad asks when he finishes drying the last piece of silverware. He doesn't finish the question because he doesn't know what he's asking. Do you want to leave, Daniel? Do you want to stay?

"Homework," Danny mutters uncomfortably, shifting. It's a paper-thin excuse and they both know it, because it's never stopped them before.

But Vlad is almost relieved, because his selfishness is exhausting. The self control it takes him to keep his childish impulses under control is extraordinary-the amount of effort it takes to keep himself from thinking about the world that Danny means to him. He works so hard not to think about how broken he is, how broken he's getting, how broken he is going to be when Danny gets up the nerve to say the things that are lurking under the surface between them. These are selfish thoughts, he knows, because it has to be hard for Danny too, but all Vlad ever thinks about is how much it hurts and how much worse it's going to be. He is the grown up. He should know better.

Vlad walks him to the door. "Thank you for coming." At least they haven't fought tonight, but it's a pitiful silver lining. When he's angry, he's able to forget about the changes between them. On nights like this, all he can do is marvel as each shift comes to pass, and wonder at how they got here.

He doesn't know what to do; they stand in the foyer for an endless minute before Vlad reaches over and sets his hand on Danny's shoulder. The boy hunches his shoulders and looks away and Vlad feels another piece of himself break.

He's a grown man. He knows better. His smile doesn't reach his eyes but he squeezes Danny's shoulder anyway. "Thank you, Daniel."


End file.
